The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We

Today is another day where I feel like selling everything I own and giving up entirely. I don’t know what’s causing it. Actually, I do. I have lost a sense of accomplishment. I have nothing to be proud of. Now you might say, “well, you’re a great photographer.” I’m really not. A great photographer is employed by a company or wire agency like Getty or AP. All of my photos are essentially done for shits and giggles.

Aside from my photos, I have nothing to show for them. Relationships? Sure, I’ve networked over the past few years. But today was the day when I decided I’m hanging up the cleats, or gum-soled sneakers, as it were.

I’ll close out the season, dot the i’s and cross the t’s. There’s an international tournament I want to shoot in November in Miami that I’ll probably do, but that may be it for a while. I’ll only shoot “marquee events” as MLB calls them. Spring Training, Opening Day, All-Star Game, Playoffs, that sort of thing.

It’s time for me to pursue something else. I don’t quite know what that is just yet, but I’ll figure it out soon enough.

It absolutely hurts to pull out of baseball. It’s something I’ve literally given my all, and then some, for the past 3 years. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for someone to make the pros and come to the same realization. If I continue, I will likely kill myself in one way or another.

I’ve been hit by 3 balls and a bat this year, and have nearly been hit by a half-dozen more. I’ve passed out once this year in the camera well, nearly passed out 3 more times, and have passed out once each of the previous two years. The first time I passed out resulted in me being knocked unconscious for 10 minutes (from what the paramedic told me weeks after) and getting a concussion.

I caught a very serious case of COVID last year when I shot Yankees @ Rays, rendering me bed-ridden for 8 days. I was pretty sure I was going to die there. You know how that goes. I also caught something that nearly every photographer ended up getting (not COVID; I tested negative when I got home) that resulted me in leaving an international tournament (Series del Caribe) halfway into the tournament. I had so much fun there but felt so awful that I couldn’t stick around Miami any longer.

In short, I’m hoping to make 2025 a year of change. I’m not going to say “a new me” because that’s too cliché. You know those versions of software where they’re like 10.2? Let’s call this the “.2” version. A minor change, but enough to signify the dot.

I’ll be focusing on finding an actual job more in the coming months, and especially one that will allow me to be out a week or so at a time if/when I am asked to shoot a tournament. There are some football games I’m hoping to shoot in the coming months, but I’m not committed 100% to those just yet.

The biggest thing I need to figure out is how to handle the Florida heat. You would think that after living here 15 years I’d have that sorted out by now, but it feels like it’s getting hotter every year. Making things worse is whatever condition I have. It’s some sort of dysautonomia. That’s been established, and my neurologist and I think it’s POTS. I’m on a beta blocker because that’s what you do with POTS, and I’ve increased my sodium intake to hover around 3000-4500 mg/day (recommendation is usually 1500 mg).

But the heat intolerance is really getting annoying. I can’t go anywhere without feeling ill. I took my mom to a craft store after we had lunch and the getting in and out of a hot car and into the hot Florida afternoon air was too much for me apparently. I was feeling the pre-syncopal symptoms I’ve felt before: cold sweats, nausea, impending doom, dizziness and the slow tunnel vision. We stopped at another craft store nearby for a bit while I could get myself together again, then made our way home.

But this is something I deal with every day. I get it most often when I have to reach to get my coffee cup in the morning, and have to sit down to brew my coffee to gather myself and prevent a fainting situation.

I really feel that moving back up to the Northeast would help me immensely, but I don’t have a place to stay nor do I have any source of income currently to support any kind of livelihood while there. The cooler weather looks incredibly appealing right now, and I’d be glad to shovel snow over having to deal with hot temps for 9 months out of the year.

It’s “cool” to say you live in Florida until you realize all the downsides there are with living here, from politics to the overall rudeness of people... not to mention the horrendous drivers.

It's not cool when you have friends that you try reaching out to and they don't reply back to you. I've needed someone to talk to, and you haven't been there. Only one person truly has, despite a lot going on in their own life. That's a real friend.

Appropriate music: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj2VHNvkBPA&si=44E6VaVCKWRiqNSf